So... I kind of freaked out after my last post. When I finished it I sat there for about 30 minutes trying to decide if blogging is really the Lenten discipline I want to take on. I pushed post and then thought, crap. (actually I said, shit.) I mean, I could just journal on my own without posting it on my blog. Wouldn't that actually be a little more spiritual? A lot of people I know are UNplugging during Lent, leaving facebook, giving up blog reading - but I'm plugging in. Isn't that wrong? Doesn't it seem like this whole idea is a bit more about me than about denying myself?
And suddenly I felt all this pressure. Great, I thought. Now I'm going to have to come up with 40 freaking things to write about and then I'm actually going to have to write something - AND, of course, it has to be deep and witty and funny and brilliant. My spirit sank and the heaviness crushed me like a sumo wrestler on my chest.
That's when the bastard-self showed up and started throwing a party - only the party wasn't for me. In fact, I wasn't even invited to the party, and my bastard-self wanted to make sure I knew that there isn't anything about me worth celebrating. You can't do this. You don't have anything to say. What a joke. Aren't you supposed to give up something for Lent? You're worthless.
Today, I spent some time in silence (another small discipline I'm attending to). I wanted to know what God wanted me to do. Get over yourself. That's what came to my mind. Uh, excuse me? Yep, get over yourself.
In that moment it became clear - the daily pressure I put on myself is not only ridiculous but damaging. The bastard-self has taken over and it's time for her to go down. I carry around this burden of attaining some standard that doesn't exit, and it weighs me down and suffocates me. This pressure makes my life small, is completely life-sucking, and leaves no room for anything or anyone else - no room for grace. No room for Jesus. And really, no room for my true self.
So what if I sound like an idiot? So what if I write something crappy? So what if no one reads it or cares about it? Get over yourself. This isn't about getting it right or impressing people or being deep, witty, funny, or brilliant (even though I so desperately want to be all those things). It's about connecting with God and about giving space to life. It's about being messy. It's about using my voice. And it's about tending to something other than performing well in school.
So, this Lent I'm giving up pressure and denying my bastard-self. Instead, I'm pressing into Jesus. I'm plugging in to life. (I'm quite tempted to erase that last bit because it sounds pretty cheesy. But, maybe I need a little bit more cheesiness in my life. Dang, this is gonna be hard...)
And suddenly I felt all this pressure. Great, I thought. Now I'm going to have to come up with 40 freaking things to write about and then I'm actually going to have to write something - AND, of course, it has to be deep and witty and funny and brilliant. My spirit sank and the heaviness crushed me like a sumo wrestler on my chest.
That's when the bastard-self showed up and started throwing a party - only the party wasn't for me. In fact, I wasn't even invited to the party, and my bastard-self wanted to make sure I knew that there isn't anything about me worth celebrating. You can't do this. You don't have anything to say. What a joke. Aren't you supposed to give up something for Lent? You're worthless.
Today, I spent some time in silence (another small discipline I'm attending to). I wanted to know what God wanted me to do. Get over yourself. That's what came to my mind. Uh, excuse me? Yep, get over yourself.
In that moment it became clear - the daily pressure I put on myself is not only ridiculous but damaging. The bastard-self has taken over and it's time for her to go down. I carry around this burden of attaining some standard that doesn't exit, and it weighs me down and suffocates me. This pressure makes my life small, is completely life-sucking, and leaves no room for anything or anyone else - no room for grace. No room for Jesus. And really, no room for my true self.
So what if I sound like an idiot? So what if I write something crappy? So what if no one reads it or cares about it? Get over yourself. This isn't about getting it right or impressing people or being deep, witty, funny, or brilliant (even though I so desperately want to be all those things). It's about connecting with God and about giving space to life. It's about being messy. It's about using my voice. And it's about tending to something other than performing well in school.
So, this Lent I'm giving up pressure and denying my bastard-self. Instead, I'm pressing into Jesus. I'm plugging in to life. (I'm quite tempted to erase that last bit because it sounds pretty cheesy. But, maybe I need a little bit more cheesiness in my life. Dang, this is gonna be hard...)
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Keep writing. There's at least one girl out there listening. I'm not really too worried about what you are saying, but so glad that you are saying something. Keep the words coming (any old words) and I will keep praying that the Spirit use them to refresh and revive your spirit. Sometimes connectedness is just what we need in times like these - I am glad you are Plugging-In.
Juli, I love your soul! I resonate with so many of the things that you wrestle with. Seriously, it's almost creepy - my phrase right now is "Slow Down and Make Space," specifically to hear, to see, and to enjoy.
Have you read The Rest of God? I love that book, and what you wrote reminded me of something he wrote in there - that Sabbath is not just ceasing to do that which takes life, but embracing that which brings life. It seems like writing is a great way to celebrate His presence in you. You're a great writer - I hope you write during Lent with freedom and joy!
I would love to get together for coffee sometime and hear more of "your story" :-) I hope to see you tomorrow.