It's March. I'm just now making the time and space to write about my "word of the year."
Wound-tight, pressure-filled, exhausted, small. Words that too often and too accurately describe my modus operandi. It gets to be pretty crammed in here when I desperately grab and grasp and pull things into my life to fill the emptiness. So, this year I chose a word to guide me that would help combat my frantic, cramped, and closed posture - my word for 2011 is space.
Space. Room to breathe, to stretch out, to reach out. Space to rest, to enjoy, to engage, and to be. Rather than allowing jealousy, competition, and anxiety snuff out all the joy and truth I want to clear a path for love, and maybe even a little grace.
I want to create time for silence and solitude, a space to hear the voice of God. A place for tears and failure and laughter and car dancing. Space that welcomes imperfection and questions and wonder and maybe even a not-so-greatly-written assignment for school. I want to make room to celebrate, welcome, and invite others into the space that I guard so tightly, even if that means letting someone see a dirty house or a messy soul.
So far, my year hasn't exactly been the epitome of space. I'd like to simply blame it on an insanely rigorous master's degree program, but it's more likely due to a heart and a disposition that have been trained to do and go, not to stop and to be. I'm reminded that it takes some time, and lots of room to bumble and fumble around, when you are trying to change an M.O. that has been molded and shaped into a certain way of being.
But there have been glimpses and moments. There have been the teenciest acts of courage and invitation, just a sliver of movement. And so, one itsy-bitsy moment at a time my life is taking a different shape, ever so slowly releasing itself from its cramped, stuck position into one of openness and freedom. Behold, God is doing a new thing here in this space.
And, it's only March.
Wound-tight, pressure-filled, exhausted, small. Words that too often and too accurately describe my modus operandi. It gets to be pretty crammed in here when I desperately grab and grasp and pull things into my life to fill the emptiness. So, this year I chose a word to guide me that would help combat my frantic, cramped, and closed posture - my word for 2011 is space.
Space. Room to breathe, to stretch out, to reach out. Space to rest, to enjoy, to engage, and to be. Rather than allowing jealousy, competition, and anxiety snuff out all the joy and truth I want to clear a path for love, and maybe even a little grace.
I want to create time for silence and solitude, a space to hear the voice of God. A place for tears and failure and laughter and car dancing. Space that welcomes imperfection and questions and wonder and maybe even a not-so-greatly-written assignment for school. I want to make room to celebrate, welcome, and invite others into the space that I guard so tightly, even if that means letting someone see a dirty house or a messy soul.
So far, my year hasn't exactly been the epitome of space. I'd like to simply blame it on an insanely rigorous master's degree program, but it's more likely due to a heart and a disposition that have been trained to do and go, not to stop and to be. I'm reminded that it takes some time, and lots of room to bumble and fumble around, when you are trying to change an M.O. that has been molded and shaped into a certain way of being.
But there have been glimpses and moments. There have been the teenciest acts of courage and invitation, just a sliver of movement. And so, one itsy-bitsy moment at a time my life is taking a different shape, ever so slowly releasing itself from its cramped, stuck position into one of openness and freedom. Behold, God is doing a new thing here in this space.
And, it's only March.
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Here's to more courage and to God doing more God stuff in and through you.
You are so beautiful. I love your heart, Jules.
I must confess to being a "lurker" on your blog as well, Julie. I love the word you have chosen - it's no small thing to take a step towards living more open-handed. You are a brave woman!
Juli,
"Space" is so important! I had it created FOR me, over the last 12 months. I was so overloaded and burned out that I physically could not keep going. Sounds terrible, but that space has been a gift. For the first time in years, time to pause, reflect, re-learn what it is to be "me". And to "just be" is so important! Thanks for sharing - and grace and peace, and all those wonderful soul things, to you!!