..OF AN OFTEN TIRED, SKEPTICAL, DISCONNECTED, FRUSTRATED SOUL
So, here I am. A grad student - pursuing a Master of Divinity degree. Really? Master of Divinity? Could the degree name be any more arrogant? A lot of days I wonder what the heck I am doing back in school in my 30s, trying to master the divine in short span of 3 years. Most of the time I wonder what someone like me, with so many questions and doubts, is doing in a place where many people are quite confident that they know exactly who God is and what they (or God) want(s) to do with their life.
And then I run into someone who dares to admit that they, too, might have a question (or maybe even two) about what this is all about. They whisper that they, too, don't quite have it all together. Like me, they are sometimes skeptical about certain theological claims. Like me, they sometimes feel disconnected from God and alone in the darkness. And like me, they are often tired of doing the I've-got-all-the-answers dance in church. When I meet these people it's like a breath of fresh air. There is room to breathe.
I am reminded of what I wrote on my grad school application - It is because of my experiences with the darkness and my own questions of faith that I desire to create a space for people to question, wrestle, learn, and become as we encounter God - together.
As part of my degree program we are assigned an internship with a church for the summer. I gotta be honest - for the past few months my anxiety level has been maxed out. What sort of place will it be? Will they expect me to have it all together? Will they want me to have all sorts of amazing theological answers? If so, they are going to be sorely disappointed with their assigned intern.
When the notice finally arrived with my summer placement info I read their vision statement:
So, here I am. A grad student - pursuing a Master of Divinity degree. Really? Master of Divinity? Could the degree name be any more arrogant? A lot of days I wonder what the heck I am doing back in school in my 30s, trying to master the divine in short span of 3 years. Most of the time I wonder what someone like me, with so many questions and doubts, is doing in a place where many people are quite confident that they know exactly who God is and what they (or God) want(s) to do with their life.
And then I run into someone who dares to admit that they, too, might have a question (or maybe even two) about what this is all about. They whisper that they, too, don't quite have it all together. Like me, they are sometimes skeptical about certain theological claims. Like me, they sometimes feel disconnected from God and alone in the darkness. And like me, they are often tired of doing the I've-got-all-the-answers dance in church. When I meet these people it's like a breath of fresh air. There is room to breathe.
I am reminded of what I wrote on my grad school application - It is because of my experiences with the darkness and my own questions of faith that I desire to create a space for people to question, wrestle, learn, and become as we encounter God - together.
As part of my degree program we are assigned an internship with a church for the summer. I gotta be honest - for the past few months my anxiety level has been maxed out. What sort of place will it be? Will they expect me to have it all together? Will they want me to have all sorts of amazing theological answers? If so, they are going to be sorely disappointed with their assigned intern.
When the notice finally arrived with my summer placement info I read their vision statement:
Creating a safe space where everyone -- those who are tired, skeptical, unchurched, disconnected, and frustrated -- would love to attend and grow together in their understanding of God.
I exhaled. And I had some tears. It is a place that has room - even for someone like me...
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Ahh such familiar utterances. We really need to get together and discuss the whole "Master of Divinity" irony. As for the internship - it sounds like a wonderful fit! I must admit when my time for internship arrived I cheated and interned with a program at the school. It is scary to be thrust into a church where you dont know anyone, dont know what's expected of an intern or what you are expected to know/be/do. On the other side of the degree and after having been thrust into 2 different churches as a preachers wife I have to say - I've gained more from those we are called to serve than I've given. I hope the same is true for you.
*sigh*
So refreshing to hear there are churches like that, out there!
& they will love you!!
Dayna - Thank you for such a great reminder and a great hope. It's exciting to think about all the people I don't know right now but will in a few weeks!
Kerry - that's so sweet! Thank you!
friend. i love this space.
and i love your beautiful soul.