It’s an act of repentance really - the blog that is. It may look like just another blog swimming somewhere out there in cyberland. But the truth is that it’s an intentional act toward nourishing my soul. It is first an acknowledgement that I have not been living as the Creator Of My Soul intended when He dreamed me into being. And second, it is a small step, perhaps just an inching, out of the box that has become my safe and familiar escape and it is a movement toward home. You see, I’ve recently uncovered a wounded heart that has been hiding, actually, wilting in the corner feels more appropriate.
Let me take you back to a quiet morning last fall where I found myself sitting with my good ‘fiend’ (appropriately dubbed due to a previous hilarious typo) Miska on a familiar brown couch (mine this time instead of hers) talking about hopes, fears, and ponderings of the soul, which are common topics amidst our times together. We touched on a seemingly harmless subject - journaling. Miska waited patiently for me to answer her simple question – have you been journaling?... Easy enough question, no hidden meaning or deep threat on the surface, right? I suddenly found myself drenched in tears that came flooding from a place deep within me. That place that hurts so much you can hardly breathe. At that moment my soul had been gently awakened from a long winter’s night by one simple question. I have come to believe that tears are a gift, a reflection of a stirring in the soul and God at work. I knew there was more to be found in that hidden well that I had not been willing to drink from in quite some time. Journaling for me meant laying bare my soul, connecting to those places in me that are gross, frightening, and sometimes unbearable. Somewhere along the journey I had quit journaling and I became unwilling to face my own self. It’s too risky. Too scary. To damn hard.
With a new found awareness of my depravity I was determined (as usual) to overcome my journal phobia. So, I went out and purchased myself a nice, cute little journal. And then came the moment of genius. Maybe, I thought to myself, if it’s fun and funky I’ll be more likely to pick it up and use it! Of course! What a brilliant thought! Why hadn’t I thought of this before! The problem wasn’t that I had locked away my heart with all the other scary things -- it must be about the kind of journal I had! (you can see where this is going…) Several months later, a new year in place and that still fun and funky journal has not moved from its original resting place. I’ve actually even dusted around it, looking longing through the cover envisioning all sorts of writing on those empty pages.
The funny thing is that I actually ‘journal’ all the time in my head. I’ve compiled quite a list of things I promised myself I would blog about when I finally got around to getting a blog, or a journal, or a dog who would listen. They’re all nicely stored in my mind, hidden from the world. How convenient. How safe. All of them - hopes, fears, stories, desires… all nicely tucked away for another day…
In a recent new tradition among friends I have chosen a ‘word of the year’. My word/phrase of the year for 2008 is ‘Immeasurable Joy’. I know this is the right phrase for me this year because when I think about it – it scares the freaking crap out of me. The thing is, I’m a list maker and hence a great ‘check-er-off-er’ of the multitude of lists I make. Who doesn’t love checking something off? Check, boom, done. The thing with immeasurable joy is that it’s not something I can arrive at. I can’t keep checking things off until I get there. It’s not a goal. It is an encounter with the One Who Loves My Soul. It is a release from the lies I have allowed to enter my heart and a freedom from the things that consume me (you may be familiar with some of my good friends – shame, fear, doubt, loneliness and my more recent good pals jealousy and bitterness…). This year it is not a resolution to do or not do something. It is a commitment to my heart. A reminder that there is a God who makes all things new. A redemptive prayer for a soul that has been dying in a box I don’t belong in.
So, the redemptive work begins with a blog and a new posturing of my soul. This year I raise a fist (and a middle finger for that matter) to those old friends. This year I want to say no to shame, to fear, and to the lies that suck life from my spirit. This year I want to open my arms wide and embrace immeasurable joy, to dance with hope, to sit quietly with repentance and brokenness. I want to continue to wrestle and collide with the God of the Divine who is calling me forth from the darkness.
“When our depravity meets His divinity it is a beautiful collision.”
~David Crowder*Band
Let me take you back to a quiet morning last fall where I found myself sitting with my good ‘fiend’ (appropriately dubbed due to a previous hilarious typo) Miska on a familiar brown couch (mine this time instead of hers) talking about hopes, fears, and ponderings of the soul, which are common topics amidst our times together. We touched on a seemingly harmless subject - journaling. Miska waited patiently for me to answer her simple question – have you been journaling?... Easy enough question, no hidden meaning or deep threat on the surface, right? I suddenly found myself drenched in tears that came flooding from a place deep within me. That place that hurts so much you can hardly breathe. At that moment my soul had been gently awakened from a long winter’s night by one simple question. I have come to believe that tears are a gift, a reflection of a stirring in the soul and God at work. I knew there was more to be found in that hidden well that I had not been willing to drink from in quite some time. Journaling for me meant laying bare my soul, connecting to those places in me that are gross, frightening, and sometimes unbearable. Somewhere along the journey I had quit journaling and I became unwilling to face my own self. It’s too risky. Too scary. To damn hard.
With a new found awareness of my depravity I was determined (as usual) to overcome my journal phobia. So, I went out and purchased myself a nice, cute little journal. And then came the moment of genius. Maybe, I thought to myself, if it’s fun and funky I’ll be more likely to pick it up and use it! Of course! What a brilliant thought! Why hadn’t I thought of this before! The problem wasn’t that I had locked away my heart with all the other scary things -- it must be about the kind of journal I had! (you can see where this is going…) Several months later, a new year in place and that still fun and funky journal has not moved from its original resting place. I’ve actually even dusted around it, looking longing through the cover envisioning all sorts of writing on those empty pages.
The funny thing is that I actually ‘journal’ all the time in my head. I’ve compiled quite a list of things I promised myself I would blog about when I finally got around to getting a blog, or a journal, or a dog who would listen. They’re all nicely stored in my mind, hidden from the world. How convenient. How safe. All of them - hopes, fears, stories, desires… all nicely tucked away for another day…
In a recent new tradition among friends I have chosen a ‘word of the year’. My word/phrase of the year for 2008 is ‘Immeasurable Joy’. I know this is the right phrase for me this year because when I think about it – it scares the freaking crap out of me. The thing is, I’m a list maker and hence a great ‘check-er-off-er’ of the multitude of lists I make. Who doesn’t love checking something off? Check, boom, done. The thing with immeasurable joy is that it’s not something I can arrive at. I can’t keep checking things off until I get there. It’s not a goal. It is an encounter with the One Who Loves My Soul. It is a release from the lies I have allowed to enter my heart and a freedom from the things that consume me (you may be familiar with some of my good friends – shame, fear, doubt, loneliness and my more recent good pals jealousy and bitterness…). This year it is not a resolution to do or not do something. It is a commitment to my heart. A reminder that there is a God who makes all things new. A redemptive prayer for a soul that has been dying in a box I don’t belong in.
So, the redemptive work begins with a blog and a new posturing of my soul. This year I raise a fist (and a middle finger for that matter) to those old friends. This year I want to say no to shame, to fear, and to the lies that suck life from my spirit. This year I want to open my arms wide and embrace immeasurable joy, to dance with hope, to sit quietly with repentance and brokenness. I want to continue to wrestle and collide with the God of the Divine who is calling me forth from the darkness.
“When our depravity meets His divinity it is a beautiful collision.”
~David Crowder*Band
Posts
Welcome my beautiful friend, Juli! I even read the whole first blog. I love where this new adventure will take you.
Oh, I'm so excited! Excited for you to take this step and excited for the rest of us who get to experience it. Simply beautiful.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO JULIIIIIIIIII!!!!! I read the whole thing too, and I'm pumped! :-D Cause God is awesome, and you're awesome too, cause He made you that way.
Yes! Let's leave those unwelcome guests behind together!
And at the mention of lists, I couldn't help but think of a new application I was trying out today to help me actually get things done. It has tasks (self explanatory), projects (a collection of tasks), and areas (can have many tasks or projects, but is itself never completed). Immeasurable Joy is an area of your life... you do many things to bring yourself closer, but the journey is never done. And you know what, it's probably better that way.
At any rate, I look forward to walking with you in that journey.
awesome Jules! I am hooked. First blog I have ever read...EVER!! Loved your words and spirit behind them. So excited for you. Thanks for sharing with all of us who love you.
If this isn't enough to get Corey reading blogs, ...
Thanks for inviting us in Juli - I'm looking forward to growing with you here.
Juli thanks for letting us in to this (previously) private part of your heart. I feel like I was just let in on a delightful secret.
I'm looking forward to reading and to walking with you from afar... for now.
Love to you, my friend.
Yay and bravo. We miss you Juli! (corey too) :)
I read the whole thing, Juli, and I loved it. I love your heart and soul, and I love the way it has (and will) spill out on the page here.
This makes me happy!
Reclaim your soul.
Carpe Viscus!
Beautiful. Stunningly beautiful, my soul sista and fiend. Can't wait for more.
So great...you are a writer, Juli. And I say that as an affirmation, not to strike fear in your heart. Your words have already moved people, and that my friend, is a gift that I am thrilled you are sharing!
i am a fan.
Hey Juli---found your blog via facebook....probably will end up adding you to my blog's list of friends (next time I blog) if that is okay with you!
Vicki
Juli, I echo the early sentiments toward your blog. Only God knows how your inner/spiritual explorations (and insights) will affect the community of faith, as we travel with you.
Wow, you have a lot of friends. I am the 15th comment! I was in a band once, called Evening Soultide. Cool.
ze fingerless gloves? go pick a color of patons classic merino wool (they have it at michaels & ac moore), hand it off at house church, & i'll do it! :-)
love it juli! keep it up, i look forward to reading more.
lindsay
i love blogs. they make me feel connected even though we live so far away.